UK – Glasgow 1

it’s good it’s good to see people coming

for a laugh it’s important

in this tense and uncertain world in

which we live the world is scary

it’s [ __ ] at the minute i’ve got ptsd

just watching the news every

earthquakes tsunamis donald trump brexit

kim jong-un vladimir putin isis

global warming a refugee crisis sexual


i think if you believe in god you’ve got

to acknowledge that the guy

is in over his head

it’s getting a bit much for god god has


the dressing room in my opinion

donald trump as the president of america

as a comedian it’s quite difficult to

make like any [ __ ] funnier

that’s how angry people got he got

elected because he speaks

his mind that’s what he support us

admire but he speaks his mind they say

that as though that’s a positive [ __ ]


pubs are full of old guys who speak

their minds

but you don’t encourage them

you just let them speak for a few

minutes and then you put a hand on their

shoulder and you say

enjoy your nightmare

that is how donald trump should have

been handled right from the offset

we’re gonna we’re gonna make america

great again

enjoy your nightmare

that is the only reaction of deserved

it’s not listening to a [ __ ] taxi

driver everything donald trump has said

i have held before from a glasgow taxi


three [ __ ] immigrants


uh global warming is the lord that

shaped me i don’t believe it

five pence for a plastic bag in these

asian shops

where’s that money going where’s that

money going

oh it’s probably going to isis driver

that’s exactly where it’s going fun see

guys let me in you we get it me we get


these high school shootings [ __ ] give

the teachers a gun that’s how you saw


that was a trump proposal to combat high

school gun massacres

arm the teachers that’s [ __ ]

hilarious the amount of

unhinged lunatics who taught me and

that’s only in scotland

you’re old alcoholic woodwork teacher

how are you that guy with a firearms


hung over on a monday morning he’s got a

semi-automatic on his thing

empty and i clap into the ceiling

because somebody’s whistling at the back

of the class


i had teachers who never knew how to

work a vhs record don’t never mind the

assault rifle

give me a quick or you’re getting



UK – Glasgow 2

forego any anguish n-woo just one person

they’ll languish sport and this confuses

for a walk why don’t you support us and

major football tournaments is it if we

to you do you let me get this straight

you actively support the other teams

because they’re playing England Allah

it’s pretty much hurt me

as gopher nanny anguish though that’s

just day one football team days that

[ __ ] joint area he always quite big I

look at joint area and the people’s I he

works that they can i gay if you never

made it as a football you would see him

say the pub and Tenerife or so milk

order you guys want a free shot tonight

or sub renting or that’s coming down to

Bill’s head for free sambhoga you love

it might loads of goods for shorts come

on they’re just a cholo sent you back JT

back in Scottish football we’re looking

through an interesting period they’ll

feel the [ __ ] diversion and the camp

there I always see Scottish football

people born just to [ __ ] tread


I remember watching I Danny dial

documentary about the old phone

and it was good to see some dealer have

Danny Dyer he’s the practice practice



do PC have no something’s just like

furniture atoms and you see he’s on

Britain’s most deadliest men having

talking it’s on big wall poncho guys you

know on the color bloke if you don’t

mostly me I’ll be alright but if you

make a move oh [ __ ] you out can all be

your friend

it on a special on football rivalries

and it was a tie Brooks in the moment of

an old phone game and he’s talking in

the camera this guy made me laugh he’s

gone toward Celtic at the Catholics but

Rangers but of Protestants I’m outside

the stadium on Old Firm day one of

football’s most deadliest waffle reason

I’m here outside the stadium on matchday

and I’m not afraid to say I am [ __ ]


those people walking behind them just

waving at the camera

those were half ten when I suddenly

wanted them as well I’m a [ __ ] soft

Lok I’ve seen some stuff but today I’m

[ __ ] petrified bacon wrote a cuppa

tea get one of them Joss he’s got his

[ __ ] kicked off now

I said tough one to explain boys

football which watch me happened up

there wasn’t a two horse race now let me

at Milosh the horse let’s play sky

footballs becomes your jumpin I thought

I heard a feeling I know I’ll [ __ ]

get no me but no tension there better

idle after that Rangers Football Club

there was a lot of [ __ ] people money

I read the last everybody that was owed

money and it just got [ __ ] cereal

they would like secretary quite resort a

local newsagent they these small songs

that made that mental a bit sexy quite

tell local taxi forum an only one that

made me chuckle

it said forty pound was odd to a local

Glasgow face painting company leader a

few times does that say face paint and

company who the [ __ ] that the forty

quantity of face paint and company and

the newspaper article never explained

why there was no backup information just

waved out there as a fax a corpsman

football and expense be its feet and

company the club have burned financial

meltdown and the Sun guy running about

the boardroom cat nine he’s a [ __ ]


some guy just opened doors

let’s get on delegate dinner gentlemen

off [ __ ] what do the children are for

the courtroom when will you go and wash

your face yeah [ __ ] idea

right effect he’s a coach your sword air

but homeboys [ __ ] for liquidity spent

on that


for equitable it’s a [ __ ] clan

codices were skills

I’ve never understood that that I just

debated one side shoten thought the pork

on stage show and Broadway support I’d

like the Pope gives a [ __ ] about the SPL

I think the Pope’s are going this week a



UK – Glasgow 3

either immigration in the world now you

need a few

asylum i feel sorry for asylum seekers

no you read about them

they get their applications get expelled

they get accused of lying

lying about being endangering if

somebody’s prepared to travel

thousands of miles in the back of a

lorry starving themselves for weeks

risking the lives that the border


just to get a council flat and sight


something’s frightening at them

last year they get forced to allow

non-white people to join the bnp i

thought that was pretty cool

i’d encourage people from every ethnic


to join the bnp not ruin their party

i’d love to live in a country where the

white supremacists are black

i’m supposed to be racist how she who’s

this guy how is she marty

racial animosity in this city in glasgow

when we get well terrorist attack

remember that glasgow airport we got our


little terrorist attack pretty proud of


can you put us on the map

islamic fundamentalist attacked new york


london and then glasgow

we were [ __ ] flattered

my dad had a tear in his eyes a proud

day son


and everybody had a laugh but terrorism

does have a negative side

it did create a kind of racial divide i

witnessed this first hand on a train

going down south on this train just me

sitting here

and a middle-aged guy sitting just along

a bit now a couple of stops later

a woman of asian appearance bolted the


and sat beside the middle-aged guy who


stood up and walked away

you’ll see that follow me snakes on a


this was jake’s on a train right that’s


stood up and just walked away and sat


me you started to nudge

me that way a scumbag presumes that

you’re also

going to be a scumbag

nudging me and he’s pointing and he said

i don’t i don’t fancy sitting beside her


no chance she’ll be one of one of the

suicide bombers

i’m taking no chancey

i thought i can see your logic here mate

you thought she might be a suicide

bomber so you’ve came and sat

four seats away

seriously underestimating the power of


i think she’s got a stink bomb

this is the g hacked it’s [ __ ] both

in here




that is disgusting something

i cannot breathe

the whole way going down south going to

london the guy said you’re going to

london and i said i’m going to london

and he said i don’t like london

guys look me and you me we’re the

formals in london

they’re coming over here mate and

they’re speaking punjabi

i said punjabi it was pretty funny they

were speaking punjabi

they’re wearing these vodkas mate this

is our country if they want to come into

our country they should at least

be adapting to our culture and i’m

looking at this guy

thinking about when he goes abroad he

really blends in

walking about lanzarote looking for a


you don’t understand my accent ideally

record your



UK – Glasgow 7

i’m doing here at the bbc building

bbc scotland building just been thinking


like how my life’s turned just how happy

i’m that

how my life’s turned getting to make

this getting to the audience and

um just how lucky i’m just being ups and

dunes and things like that but

the way evidence turned out i’m just i’m

just so grateful just so lucky

just i’ve had a good life is what i’m

trying to say if

i was to get hit by a bus tomorrow i

would want my son to watch this video

and know that i had i had a good life

had a good life

so just one single just a wee thing it’s

nothing really

i wish i could do this

i wish i could whistle like that loud as

[ __ ]

without using my fingers because that

wasn’t me doing it though i was taking

the sound to me then this

and then putting that sound there me

going like

which is what you’ve got today with your

face your tongue or something when you

did that whistle

i don’t know why i wanted it i don’t

know it’s just like when i was wee

i would see older guys then and it

looked like the sort of thing you could

only dave you’re a man

yeah frank frank

he kind of healed me hold on

i’d love to be able to love to be able

to dinner

but for the good life for the good life

and i can do this you know that’s good

i can stop taxis i’ve stopped taxis then

balwan saw a guy go ah

stopped a bus

and both had a good life good life