UK – Glasgow 1
it’s good it’s good to see people coming
for a laugh it’s important
in this tense and uncertain world in
which we live the world is scary
it’s [ __ ] at the minute i’ve got ptsd
just watching the news every
earthquakes tsunamis donald trump brexit
kim jong-un vladimir putin isis
global warming a refugee crisis sexual
harassment
i think if you believe in god you’ve got
to acknowledge that the guy
is in over his head
it’s getting a bit much for god god has
lost
the dressing room in my opinion
donald trump as the president of america
as a comedian it’s quite difficult to
make like any [ __ ] funnier
that’s how angry people got he got
elected because he speaks
his mind that’s what he support us
admire but he speaks his mind they say
that as though that’s a positive [ __ ]
pubs
pubs are full of old guys who speak
their minds
but you don’t encourage them
you just let them speak for a few
minutes and then you put a hand on their
shoulder and you say
enjoy your nightmare
that is how donald trump should have
been handled right from the offset
we’re gonna we’re gonna make america
great again
enjoy your nightmare
that is the only reaction of deserved
it’s not listening to a [ __ ] taxi
driver everything donald trump has said
i have held before from a glasgow taxi
driver
three [ __ ] immigrants
[Music]
uh global warming is the lord that
shaped me i don’t believe it
five pence for a plastic bag in these
asian shops
where’s that money going where’s that
money going
oh it’s probably going to isis driver
that’s exactly where it’s going fun see
guys let me in you we get it me we get
it
these high school shootings [ __ ] give
the teachers a gun that’s how you saw
barney
that was a trump proposal to combat high
school gun massacres
arm the teachers that’s [ __ ]
hilarious the amount of
unhinged lunatics who taught me and
that’s only in scotland
you’re old alcoholic woodwork teacher
how are you that guy with a firearms
license
hung over on a monday morning he’s got a
semi-automatic on his thing
empty and i clap into the ceiling
because somebody’s whistling at the back
of the class
[Music]
i had teachers who never knew how to
work a vhs record don’t never mind the
assault rifle
give me a quick or you’re getting
stabbed
you
UK – Glasgow 2
forego any anguish n-woo just one person
they’ll languish sport and this confuses
for a walk why don’t you support us and
major football tournaments is it if we
to you do you let me get this straight
you actively support the other teams
because they’re playing England Allah
it’s pretty much hurt me
as gopher nanny anguish though that’s
just day one football team days that
[ __ ] joint area he always quite big I
look at joint area and the people’s I he
works that they can i gay if you never
made it as a football you would see him
say the pub and Tenerife or so milk
order you guys want a free shot tonight
or sub renting or that’s coming down to
Bill’s head for free sambhoga you love
it might loads of goods for shorts come
on they’re just a cholo sent you back JT
back in Scottish football we’re looking
through an interesting period they’ll
feel the [ __ ] diversion and the camp
there I always see Scottish football
people born just to [ __ ] tread
carefully
I remember watching I Danny dial
documentary about the old phone
and it was good to see some dealer have
Danny Dyer he’s the practice practice
and
[Music]
do PC have no something’s just like
furniture atoms and you see he’s on
Britain’s most deadliest men having
talking it’s on big wall poncho guys you
know on the color bloke if you don’t
mostly me I’ll be alright but if you
make a move oh [ __ ] you out can all be
your friend
it on a special on football rivalries
and it was a tie Brooks in the moment of
an old phone game and he’s talking in
the camera this guy made me laugh he’s
gone toward Celtic at the Catholics but
Rangers but of Protestants I’m outside
the stadium on Old Firm day one of
football’s most deadliest waffle reason
I’m here outside the stadium on matchday
and I’m not afraid to say I am [ __ ]
shaking
those people walking behind them just
waving at the camera
those were half ten when I suddenly
wanted them as well I’m a [ __ ] soft
Lok I’ve seen some stuff but today I’m
[ __ ] petrified bacon wrote a cuppa
tea get one of them Joss he’s got his
[ __ ] kicked off now
I said tough one to explain boys
football which watch me happened up
there wasn’t a two horse race now let me
at Milosh the horse let’s play sky
footballs becomes your jumpin I thought
I heard a feeling I know I’ll [ __ ]
get no me but no tension there better
idle after that Rangers Football Club
there was a lot of [ __ ] people money
I read the last everybody that was owed
money and it just got [ __ ] cereal
they would like secretary quite resort a
local newsagent they these small songs
that made that mental a bit sexy quite
tell local taxi forum an only one that
made me chuckle
it said forty pound was odd to a local
Glasgow face painting company leader a
few times does that say face paint and
company who the [ __ ] that the forty
quantity of face paint and company and
the newspaper article never explained
why there was no backup information just
waved out there as a fax a corpsman
football and expense be its feet and
company the club have burned financial
meltdown and the Sun guy running about
the boardroom cat nine he’s a [ __ ]
tight
some guy just opened doors
let’s get on delegate dinner gentlemen
off [ __ ] what do the children are for
the courtroom when will you go and wash
your face yeah [ __ ] idea
right effect he’s a coach your sword air
but homeboys [ __ ] for liquidity spent
on that
[Applause]
for equitable it’s a [ __ ] clan
codices were skills
I’ve never understood that that I just
debated one side shoten thought the pork
on stage show and Broadway support I’d
like the Pope gives a [ __ ] about the SPL
I think the Pope’s are going this week a
man
you
UK – Glasgow 3
either immigration in the world now you
need a few
asylum i feel sorry for asylum seekers
no you read about them
they get their applications get expelled
they get accused of lying
lying about being endangering if
somebody’s prepared to travel
thousands of miles in the back of a
lorry starving themselves for weeks
risking the lives that the border
controls
just to get a council flat and sight
hell
something’s frightening at them
last year they get forced to allow
non-white people to join the bnp i
thought that was pretty cool
i’d encourage people from every ethnic
group
to join the bnp not ruin their party
i’d love to live in a country where the
white supremacists are black
i’m supposed to be racist how she who’s
this guy how is she marty
racial animosity in this city in glasgow
when we get well terrorist attack
remember that glasgow airport we got our
own
little terrorist attack pretty proud of
that
can you put us on the map
islamic fundamentalist attacked new york
madrid
london and then glasgow
we were [ __ ] flattered
my dad had a tear in his eyes a proud
day son
oh
and everybody had a laugh but terrorism
does have a negative side
it did create a kind of racial divide i
witnessed this first hand on a train
going down south on this train just me
sitting here
and a middle-aged guy sitting just along
a bit now a couple of stops later
a woman of asian appearance bolted the
train
and sat beside the middle-aged guy who
immediately
stood up and walked away
you’ll see that follow me snakes on a
plane
this was jake’s on a train right that’s
funny
stood up and just walked away and sat
beside
me you started to nudge
me that way a scumbag presumes that
you’re also
going to be a scumbag
nudging me and he’s pointing and he said
i don’t i don’t fancy sitting beside her
pal
no chance she’ll be one of one of the
suicide bombers
i’m taking no chancey
i thought i can see your logic here mate
you thought she might be a suicide
bomber so you’ve came and sat
four seats away
seriously underestimating the power of
semtex
i think she’s got a stink bomb
this is the g hacked it’s [ __ ] both
in here
[Applause]
[Music]
hi
that is disgusting something
i cannot breathe
the whole way going down south going to
london the guy said you’re going to
london and i said i’m going to london
and he said i don’t like london
guys look me and you me we’re the
formals in london
they’re coming over here mate and
they’re speaking punjabi
i said punjabi it was pretty funny they
were speaking punjabi
they’re wearing these vodkas mate this
is our country if they want to come into
our country they should at least
be adapting to our culture and i’m
looking at this guy
thinking about when he goes abroad he
really blends in
walking about lanzarote looking for a
greg’s
you don’t understand my accent ideally
record your
dick
you
UK – Glasgow 7
i’m doing here at the bbc building
bbc scotland building just been thinking
about
like how my life’s turned just how happy
i’m that
how my life’s turned getting to make
this getting to the audience and
um just how lucky i’m just being ups and
dunes and things like that but
the way evidence turned out i’m just i’m
just so grateful just so lucky
just i’ve had a good life is what i’m
trying to say if
i was to get hit by a bus tomorrow i
would want my son to watch this video
and know that i had i had a good life
had a good life
so just one single just a wee thing it’s
nothing really
i wish i could do this
i wish i could whistle like that loud as
[ __ ]
without using my fingers because that
wasn’t me doing it though i was taking
the sound to me then this
and then putting that sound there me
going like
which is what you’ve got today with your
face your tongue or something when you
did that whistle
i don’t know why i wanted it i don’t
know it’s just like when i was wee
i would see older guys then and it
looked like the sort of thing you could
only dave you’re a man
yeah frank frank
he kind of healed me hold on
i’d love to be able to love to be able
to dinner
but for the good life for the good life
and i can do this you know that’s good
i can stop taxis i’ve stopped taxis then
balwan saw a guy go ah
stopped a bus
and both had a good life good life