Hostess 1: What happened?

Daniel: Oh, well, It’s really quite funny.

I was in bed sleeping at 2 o’clock this morning; my wife comes in and says,

“Oh! The shop’s been, uh, someone ran into the shop.”

And I said “uh, what?” So, I jumped down the bed and all I had was my

undies on, and I’ve walked out the front and I seen out the car smashed and I seen the bloke

walking back to the car. And so I’ve walked outside and I said, “what are you doing, mate?

Like, “you can’t be leaving the scene.” And he goes, “don’t be a hero mate!

And I said, “I’m not trying to be a hero, but the police are coming!”

And he just decided he’d scoot up the road,

and I just said, “nah, it’s not going on like that mate.”

So I jumped in my car, and I started chasing him up the road. And then he went down a side street,

and then the police were coming, and I flashed them and sent them off in the direction him.

But mate all I had was my jocks on. I was chasing him up the street, and I’m just, like, “mate!” Like…

Hostess 1: ‘Cuz you told me that this is your mate shop.

Daniel: Yeah!

Hostess 1: And you didn’t want him to get away.

Daniel: Yeah, nah, nah! It, well, my mate’s mum’s had this shop for, like, 40-odd years. And, uh…

Look at it! Look at it! Whoa!

Hostess 1: It’s a mess, isn’t it?

Daniel: Beyond a mess! Like, words, words can’t explain how it is mate. Like…

Hostess 1: Now, Daniel, you’ve managed to put some pants on in the meantime.

Daniel: Yeah, mate!

Hostess 1: That’s good to hear. Do you feel like a hero?

Daniel: Not really. It’s just something you got to do for the community, mate. It’s like, you look after your mates and your mates will always look after you.

Hostess 1: There you go. Good attitude! There you go guys: Daniel, quite the Australian hero here this morning. As for the owners of the fish and chip shop, well they are insured but there is a big mess to clean up this morning.

Hostess 2: Oh, wouldn’t you like to live next door to Daniel?

Hostess 3: Aussie of the day!

Daniel: Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hostess 4: Cheers! What Daniel needs to realize – Daniel, if you can hear me – you know all good superheroes wear their jocks on the outside, so it kind of fits the brief. Pardon the pun.

Daniel: Yeah, but I had nothing on, bar my jocks!

Hostess 3: Yeah, Lisa.

Hostess 4: Well you missed that bit of the uniform, but that’s okay. You’re a hero in our eyes. Well done, Daniel!

Daniel: Yeah, cheers. Thanks a lot guys.

Hostess 4: Goes to show what you can achieve in your underwear.

Hostess 3: Yeah.

Hostess 4: Thank you very much, Jessica Miller. We’ll check in with you again shortly.


Daniel: I go out quarantine on, uh, Wednesday about 5 p.m.and it’s just.. it’s so weird. I mean.. I know you guys you know you did the lockdowns.. well.. but I mean this is amazing. You’re so lucky my fiancé hates me right now, like, because like, we’re still in.. we’re still in a 14-month long down in Scotland and she is like.. “just don’t send me any photos. I don’t want to see your smile, just tell me about it when you’re back.”

Host 1: We just spoke in the outbreaks. I was just saying what you were on the show a couple years ago, and I was a big fan of you. But we’re just talking about, uh, toilet seats and you.. you.. you’ve got a Japanese toilet seat. Now I’m obsessed

with these things, I’m dying to go with. My wife’s promised me for my 50th I might get one, but you’re an advocate of the.. of the.. Japanese toilet seat. Please explain.

Daniel: Man, if you.. Once you get a Japanese toilet seat, you’ll never go back. So, it’s.. it’s.. it’s like.. it’s a heated toilet seat , which is already great, and heated too, not in the weird way, like heated intentionally, not because somebody’s just sat on it for like 30 minutes. So it’s like a good warmth, and then, at the end of it, you press a button and then it comes out and it’s.. it sprays lot hot water and you can decide the temperature, and then it air blows it dry and it’s like a hairdresser, but for your nether regions and like.. you’ll never go back. I walk around in public knowing that everyone else compared to me is an absolute savage.


Host 2: Oh, DC has been wanting one of these for hourly..

Host 1: I need to not feel like a savage anymore, I need to be released.. my buttocks need to be released like..

Daniel: You’ll never go back, I promise

Host 2: Just got to get it here that’s the problem. Now you completed a series of comedy shows and car parks over the last

year in the UK, now you ask people to honk if they like the joke and to honk if they didn’t like a joke.

Daniel: Yeah, just so that I knew in my head that I was always smashing the gig, like.., because if normally.. if you’re doing a gig.. in like.. to real audiences, if they hate the joke, they can boo, they can walk out and leave, they can heckle or whatever. But they only had this, so I mean I was in my head.. I’m like.. I am smashing this. they could have been

hating it, I would have been clueless, like.., on the drive home every time I was at a traffic jam.. I was just like.. I’m smashing this and I’m not even trying at this point but everyone is loving what I’m saying.

Host 2: What are you going to get Aussies to do then.. your Aussie audiences.

Daniel: Oh, just laugh man.. like.. I did my first gig last night, uh, first gig since December, but like.., first gig in a full room since February last year, and boy, Did I just get away with it? I was really really rusty. It was a very very generous audience, just watching a slightly whiskey drunk man, try to remember jokes he told a year ago.

Host 1: We spoke to you.. last time we spoke to you, you did this great stand-up special, we basically told people just break up with each other and then you had thousands of people write to you that would like thank you so much, we’re now

broken up. Is that still continuing? What are your thoughts on romance now because now you’re engaged?

Daniel: Yeah yeah.. so I mean.. the.. the intention of that show was never to break couples up. It was just to highlight the people in bad relationships who I was sick of, trying to convince me they were in good relationships. And I was like I bet you I can ruin your life before you can ruin mine and I was correct, um, but it was.. it was always.. I’m a big believer in love. I’ve always believed in love but I just hated all the false versions of what I saw. And then.. and and then.. I mean I proposed

in January.. February this year, uh, just nothing.. nothing else to do, just bored, just needed something to talk about.

Host 1: That’s how it goes. That’s.. that’s how relationships go. You got anything else to say, nah, do you want to get married?

Host 2: Sure, then you got something out of everything to talk about in lockdown yeah.

Daniel: sorry, no you go.

Daniel: Well, it’s a slightly a controversial relationship. I meant.. do me a favor. Could you ask me how I, uh.., met my


Host 1: How’d you meet your girlfriend, Daniel?

Daniel: She’s my ex-girlfriend’s younger sister.

Host 2: That’s I’m glad you ..

Host 1: I don’t know how to follow that up, Daniel.. How is the ex-girlfriend on this?

Host 2: And yes.. What’s she thinking about?

Daniel: Her family are amazing, like, because in my defense, I like to pitch the story in that way I went out with her sister

seven years ago for three months, and since then, she’s been in a relationship for five years, but that’s not as funny

so I tend to negate that information.

Host 2: okay

Host 1: okay

Daniel: but one of the very few times I’ve ever been nervous in my life was when I had to re-meet her parents and we’re just standing on the doorstep, and I’m just.. I’m like.. I’m just the worst human being alive.. like.. this is horrible. Like.. I’m dealing with the consequences of my own actions and her mom opens the door and she’s just got a big smile on her face and she gives me the warmest embrace, and she just whispers in my ear “lovely to see you again.” and then after about three seconds of hugging, her dad came and I was like.. “that’s enough. You could only have two, it’s not all three you’re not getting the hatchet.”

Host 2: Great.

Host 1: Hey man, have you got any more Netflix shows or stand up specials come out, because we’ve been in lockdown.. I mean.. what.., where.., what’s next?

Daniel: Um, I mean, at the moment, like.. So I wrote a show at Hubris last year in January. I took it out to America to sort

of beat it into shape, get it into something I was proud of, and then I was gonna bring it out to Australia, and then you know.. this whole thing happened, um, so it’s.. it’s now.. I’m just.. I’m just excited to be getting back to doing stand-up man, like.. it’s been a year of.. you know.. unemployment, and there was a time before when I was complaining about how much I was working, and you know, how I just wanted some time off and I wish I’d never said it.

Host 1: Yeah, it’s your fault you’ve brought this pandemic on all of us. Um, mate.. it is always great to have you in the country, as I said, you’re an incredible mind and talent, and it’s great to have you on the show. Thank you so much.

Daniel: Thanks so much for having me, guys.


Host 1: Good morning prime minister. You’ve finally considered after all these years you just miss us too much, you can’t live without us.

NZ PM: I.. I.. I.. can’t believe I’m saying this, but we have absolutely missed you, and we want you to come and see us again. So you know distance makes the heart grow fonder. That’s definitely the case for us here, I think.

Host 2: I think.. um.. you know.. it’s such a great feeling.. um.. to have this established again. The other question is what took so long.

NZ PM: Well, we want to get it right, you know? I think if you think about when we first started talking about having a transtasman arrangement back then, we were talking about the test being 28 days free of any case outside of a managed isolation facility, you know.. in the time that we’ve taken to establish this protocol in this arrangement, we’ve learnt so much, you know.. We now believe and know that we can safely manage outbreaks without necessarily having that prolonged month-long period in the aftermath of a case, so time has been of benefit to us I think we now have a regime that will be flexible, but pretty sophisticated and ultimately. It means now we’re in a position to welcome you here and to do it safely, which is what we’re all so excited about.

Host 1: We’re also thrilled that families are going to be able to get back together. People have missed the birth of babies, they’ve missed funerals and birthdays, all sorts of things.. but there’s also the economic impact. What will it mean to New Zealand? especially the tourism industry to have us all charging over there.

NZ PM: The most.. I think.. the most important thing you’ll hear from kiwis is just that reunification.. you know.. while I was standing on the podium behind me yesterday making this announcement, I wouldn’t have been off the podium for more than five minutes and a friend sent me a screenshot of her flights to come to New Zealand, and for you, you won’t find a kiwi that

won’t have a story of someone in Australia that they’ve missed and they just really want to welcome back, so that.. that i probably the most important thing. But of course, we also miss hosting you, tourism is important to us, as a country, it’s part of who we are. Our hospitality is part of who we are. You make up about 40 of our tourism here and about 2.7 billion dollars worth of spend and.. so yes.. that’s.. that is a bonus to us, it is an added bonus but nothing like the human to human contact for us. That’s so important.

Host 2: it sounds like there’s a bit of emotion in your voice this morning PM.

NZ PM: I am excited, you know.. This is.. it’s been a long time. I have family and friends in Australia and I’ve had some who have had some really devastating situations here in New Zealand that they’ve been apart from.. And so I think for both sides I know, when I called the premiers and said we’re ready, we’re going to open. I could hear for them the enthusiasm because

after a hard long year for you and for us this is a step back to normal and I think we all relish those moments.

Host 1: And you’ve not shy of coming over here for a holiday yourself. I know you’ve holidayed in Queensland before

.. uh.. Do you see a lot of kiwis taking the opportunity to return the favor and come over here and spend some cash?

NZ PM: Yeah, well.. I think you know.. uh.. we’ll.. we’ll have probably a bit of an influx of kiwis who are usually resident in Australia popping over to see family and friends, but I think what I’d say to anyone who perhaps doesn’t have that connection.. you know.. everyone needs a break.. you know.. It might just be the need for a change of scene so

come and visit one of our cities and enjoy our food, our drink, our shopping, or if you just need a bit of ..RR.. Come and visit a wide open space our nature.. our.. our.. you know.. our ski fields, our experiences are incredible. New Zealanders have been relishing that opportunity we’ve been doing that ourselves, and our tourism sector have really benefited from kiwis seeing their own backyard, but we’d love to have Aussies come and join in what we’ve been doing for the last year.

Host 2: Can you.. Can we talk through some of the mechanics.. some of this.. How will quarantine travel work and what

does it look like? Because.. um.. you have said “flyer, beware.” Why?

NZ PM: Yeah, yeah.. and so I think we all acknowledge that in a covert environment.. uh.. just in the same way that anyone in Australia who’s traveling between states is prepared for outbreaks, and there possibly being disruption just and again.. can’t believe I’m saying this.. Because New Zealand is another state.. in that way.. so.. if there’s a hot spot

Host 2: whoa whoa whoa! Stop the presses..

NZ PM: Stop this particular scenario is all I’m saying.. um.. so.. think of it in that way.. that if there’s a hot spot in one of the states of Australia, we may just act in the same way that another state would with just limitation of people to come in and out of our borders until that issue is resolved, so we’re trying to make it as simple for travelers as possible. But just prepare

that there may be disruptions but what better place in the world to be stuck? Am I right?

Host 1: Um.. Vaccination..

NZ PM: I’m sorry. I can’t come into work. I’m stuck in New Zealand. It’s a perfect scenario.

Host 2: I’m just glad that you called New Zealand ‘another state of Australia.’ It’s a huge admission from a kiwi PM.

NZ PM: Purely for this exercise. Okay, I have to give you a chance to stick up for that.

Host 1: Um now vaccinations, will they play a part in this? I mean.. New Zealand and Australia have both been fairly slow, compared to other countries in the world, in rolling out those vaccines. Um.. Will a vaccination passport be something you’ll consider for the future? or will we continue with this New Zealand being another state? so to speak..

NZ PM: Well, look for.. for vaccines, of course. It’s not required for travel between New Zealand and Australia and that’s why we’ve been able to move on it quickly. You know.. New Zealand and Australia are in, you know.., the very lucky position with the strategy that we’ve had, uh , has meant that, you know.., the vaccine, for us, hasn’t been a question of life of death the same way it has in other parts of the world. So, those countries that are.. are working very hard to roll out those vaccines, it’s an order to get the freedoms we already have, so I think both sides we acknowledge that. That’s why our the order of rollout has been different for us. When it comes to a vaccine passport and welcoming people into New Zealand who may have been vaccinated from high-risk countries, we’re still waiting for the evidence that demonstrates they won’t present risk to New Zealand because, as you’ll know, yes, it reduces your symptoms and stops you getting sick which is exactly what we need. We don’t know yet whether or not you’ll still be able to contribute to outbreaks, so, once we have that data, we’ll be able to make those calls.

Host 2: You have hitched your wagon interestingly to the fires of jab, um.., Will you approve the AstraZeneca vaccine

given the dramas we’ve seen overseas in the last 24 hours?

NZ PM: Yes, it’s still going through our mid-safe approval, so our independent approval process we applied for

Pfizer’s approval. That’s the only vaccine we currently have approved for use in New Zealand. AstraZeneca and the.. um.. the anson.. the Johnson & Johnson vaccines are both going through that process now. So, um.., we’re letting them do that work. We.. we have got a different vaccine program than Australia and, in part, that will be because we haven’t got the domestic production that you have with AstraZeneca in New Zealand. So, we.. we essentially took a took.. a decision that, logistically, it would be easier for us to deal with one.. um.. one primary vaccine for our program rather than multiple.

Host 1: And there’ll be temperature checks, there’ll be mass squaring the.. the look of this whole travel situation will be quite different to what we’re used to?

NZ PM: It’s a covered world, none of the tools we’ll be using will be new to anyone, so, to an Australian coming over, you’ll still have a really welcoming experience as you go through, but we will ask you to provide us contact details, so we can find you if we need download our covered tracer app, really simple and easy to use. We just ask you to scan wherever you go and just wear a mask on the plane and it’s as simple as that.

Host 2: Okay, when will we see you here on.. on the goldie or it’s visiting your family with your jandals and your chili bin. When are you coming over?

NZ PM: Of course, I’m trying to get my family to come and visit here, um.. I’m running a personal campaign on a couple of people. I’ve personally challenged celeste barber to get over here and come and visit us. Um.., so we’ll see how I go on that. Um.. I am also looking to welcome Scott Morrison, he’s due here.. we were.. we’re due to host him for our.. uh.. annual dialogue. So, some time after that, I’ll look to to return and uh come and see you guys.

Host 2: All right, we’ve just got it. we’ve got us as New Zealand’s number one travel agent. Uh.. we’ve got a special song for you this morning. We’d love you to sing along but it may, of course, be beneath you, but we’ll give it a go anyway. Hey, now here’s.. here’s one that you might remember.

NZ PM: There is absolutely zero chance of me singing along to this track right now.

Host 1: You know? What I like about the prime minister of New Zealand, she has a clear message, does not take any nonsense